Unknown

Aku tak tau la.

That's my first retort. Truthfully, I really do do not know.

It's well passed a year after I last had some. It was a long day at work, quite gruelling too. I was tired but I was thrilled, I was playful but he was emotional about his room break-in that happened a few days earlier. He shouted and for a moment I was thinking whether I should get into the lift with him or not. I left him to bring in everything on his own once he unlocked the door. I plopped on the sofa and gave out a fuck-you silent treatment throughout the 600 square feet studio apartment.

He didn't bother about feeding me. I sang out loud in the worst out-of-tune (and beat) voice ever to Spiritualized's Ladies and Gentlemen, We're Floating in Space, feeding my boredom and thinking of how the other who will always attend to my every needs even when I never thought of it, spoiling me like a princess.

I went to bed early because I have seen that episode of The Simpsons and it is not particularly my favourite. It's wistful when I thought about it again, when he asked, "Nak tidur dah?"

I should have just stayed and stayed and stayed by his side.

I woke up in the middle of the night and found him sleeping on the couch. I forced myself into his arms until he wearily said, "Let's go to bed." His sleeping breath and liquor smell, I inhaled it. I want to sleep with the person I have crazy feelings for.

Again, he didn't bother about feeding me so forget breakfast. He scrolled his social feed and didn't talk to me. I always love getting some in the morning but again, I'm the only one being playful here. I got cranky and demanded coffee. I ranted and told him how the other guys wouldn't treat me like this. He told me off to be independent like all his girlfriends and so many had spoiled me by doing everything for me I should do stuffs on my own.

Ohhh. Didn't he hit a fucking nerve in me. I was so furious I slammed the bathroom door and sat there crying. I came out after I finished and checked my mascara and eyeliner in the mirror. I remembered him coyly peered in to see how I was doing.

Another fuck-you silent treatment, an even fuckier one. He lost his cool and started to confront me. I could barely looked at him, which is to say, I was really, really pissed with him. He played all the I'm-the-man-here-woman-you-better-answer-me but all he's getting is the fuck-y silent treatment.

But he did make coffee for me. And it was one of the best black coffees I have ever drink. The perfect balance of sweetness and the very right temperature. I thoroughly enjoyed the whole mug. He's a genius. I told him so. He was dumbfounded but as always, he doesn't take compliments well.

I get ready, packed up to leave and smeared all the rouge on my lips. Now only does he wants some, his last attempt to make up. I reminded him that his friends are waiting for him and I am not important, I'm just his real-life sex doll. For a moment I thought I saw a flicker of regret in his eyes, for saying that to me last night. And I'm always good at giving back.

He drove me to my office. He held my chin when he finally gets it where my sarcasm comes from. Again, he criticizes me. About my work, my attitude -- if I can't take a critique, how does my manager handles me? It pisses me off because he's never seen the other part of me, he never asked so he never knows that I am working with the best people in the business, and at one point I offered him an opportunity to work with them. He thinks he's better than me, he has travelled more miles, he has met so many people and their dirty tricks to win and that he's so great closing a 5mil (in RM)  project and me ... just a 4mil (in USD).

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

He's just the worst and lamest person ever when he's with me. Or when he's not with me as I stalked him now and then.

But how every inch of my body, heart, mind and soul  betrayed me. And I only have this sort of feeling for him, this genuine liking him to bits, adoring his arrogance and endearing ... what the hell, what the hell.

Aku tak tau la.