Nuclear

Don't celebrate his birthday after he spoiled you on yours.

A few weeks down the road, you're like, poking around. Annoying him. On other days, whatever you're doing now is considered thoughtful but not after the birthday celebrations. You're annoying. And he starts to get mean with you. Whether he means it or not, it gets the better of him. You're not enough.

Oh, it hurts.

But this is not my fault. I started to open up. I don't allow happiness, but it gets the better of me. Just unfortunate that these happiness are only the tip of an ugly sadness. How it will always catches up on me.

Funny how I can see the same episode played twice by two different men. I seemed to get this now and then. I see the patterns. I couldn't help seeing the vivid similarity. So glaring, so clear it's like I'm watching re-runs.

But this is not my fault.

Arissa menangis semahunya. Seluruh jiwanya rapuh. Hatinya meruntun inginkan kebahagiaan dan dia tidak mampu mengecapinya sendirian. Walau dicuba sedaya upaya, bagai ada satu kuasa yang mencemburuinya dan dengan sekali hembus, Arissa kembali jatuh dari hampir mencapai kebahagiaan. Arissa cuma dibenarkan bergembira tetapi untuk memiliki sesuatu yang mahu memilikinya kembali, hajatnya tidak tercapai.
Dia tidak sangka segala usahanya sia-sia dan masih ada yang meraguinya. Dia cuma mahu terus mara dan meninggalkan semua yang pahit, tidak mahu diingati walau untuk sesaat. Tetapi semua kenangan yang menyakitkan itu masih mahu bersamanya dan menambahkan lagi perasaan berat dalam dirinya. Terasa bagai dia tidak dapat menyelamatkan dirinya sendiri dan lebih mudah lagi untuk terus berhenti hidup kerana harapannya tidak mungkin dapat direalisasikan.

I could not make it last even half a year ... what more a lifetime.

But this is not my fault.

My fault is that I am still here, down in this pit. Sadly, or funnily, I am actually comfortable being down here. No one can get a piece of me, to break, to shatter, to rip.

Nuclear, and I knew it.

Left Brain

She just disappears.

+ + +

You know when you are breaking down, and you felt there’s no one you feel like you can turned to, no one you felt like running too because you had to explained to them what you’re going through, there will be too many questions coming from them and while you’re explaining to them you might choke on your own tears.
That’s bad. That’s really bad.
You brought this mess on your own. You need to clean it up. You need to pick yourself up. You need to suck it. You need to take it one shot and cry to yourself while it’s hurting. Until you don’t feel hurt anymore.
There’s just too much sadness you’re carrying inside. Too many grudges you kept filed. You put hope on a chair and put it in a corner. You hardly talked to it or let itself be heard. You’re scared of it, you’re terrified. You don’t believe it.

+ + +

“What the hell just happened? It was pathetic!”
“Yup. It was crazy shit.”
“Scary. I never want to be there again.”

+ + +

“She doesn’t belongs anywhere exclusive. She doesn’t look for anyone, only they looked for her when they think of her.”

+ + +

“You should have it all moderately, but you are blessed when there’s others who bestowed upon you more. Or maybe cursed, depends. It’s needless to remind all of us what’s the point in being popular, well-known or the best when you are not happy, when you can’t get what you want. Then again we should just make do and be happy with what we already have. We just can’t stop complaining and comparing while others had to slave away or have no room at all to correct their mistakes. Or illness.”

+ + +

“Honestly, I don’t think that people ever pay any attention to me. There’s so many other prettier, more interesting gals especially.”

+ + +

“There’s always limitations in what you can do, even though you’re the best at it. One can break through firewalls and changed or delete data but you can never break into time and reset it to buy more for yourself. It’s gone. Time, a mother’s instinct, gravity – among the things that you can never challenge, because it is within His Firewalls.”

+ + +

“I have no one who will fight for me and wants me bad enough for himself.”

+ + +

“Well, you see ... she doesn’t believes in anything on relationship.”

+ + +

“She’s pretty brutal about herself. She usually conjures something out of nothing.”

+ + +

“It’s a very sad song. It just ... sets you back. It’s very lonely and you’re just ... aimless. You keep walking ... not knowing where it ends. You can never get that closure. It’s all agony and desperation that has been kept only to yourself. It’s pointless to tell it to anyone else ... they can’t do anything about it.”

+ + +

“She’s actually very normal, normal. But she pretended herself tragic.”

Pointless

The thought, a while ago.

I struggled to put it in words ...

I don't allow happiness to get thru. Except with you, it breaks the barrier, again and again. I feel so happy that I could cry. Which I actually did, because I couldn't believe that I could be happy this way again.
Furthermore, I found myself happier after I kissed you.

But I know the signs, I know it's not going to work, I know it's not going to happen and I will stop telling you to give it a shot to someone who will fight for you.

I don't want someone who can just make me happy. I want someone to fight for me too. And I know you, you will just ... let me go.

Touché?

+ + +

HIMYM is getting vegetable. Barney's getting old. But I'm always the sucker for being a Robin, a Blair and maybe one day Suess made H got serious for her ... I don't know, whatever.

+ + +

I let him go, but I didn't move on. Or maybe I moved on but I did it at such glacial pace or hardly any improvement. Significantly glacial that others moved past me -- wow, they moved on fast.

I'll just live with it until it dies its natural death. I'm sure there's no cure.

+ + +

I think I could mastered crying silently in the bathroom with minimal damage to the applied eyeliner and ninety-dollar mascara.

+ + +

It didn't feel romantic but it is romantic that when I hitched a ride with someone to work, that someone bought breakfast for me. And maybe he chose that well-known for heavy traffic route so that he could spend more time with me.

Perasan.

+ + +

When we're good, we're good. When we're not, just shut the fuck up. Have gone times without you.

Nothing worth telling, nothing worth sharing. Just episodes on rerun.

+ + +

I struggle to put it in words.

Guarded

I'm easily bored lately. The Big Bang Theory is hilarious but it's wearing thin already within 48 hours.

There's no good men out there -- I told off my mum with that statement yesterday. But she was actually speaking the way I did once upon a time. Of course I know, I'm my mother's daughter.

Of course she wants the best for her daughter. At least someone better than her daughter for her daughter. By position, by earnings, by achievements ...
But I realized that my being happy is much more important.

Let me be happy first and foremostly for I have been upset for too long. Happy, and then I will work hard for it. I will jump and fall in love. Those are important. We will never know what would happened. Nevermind.

There has to be enough love. Enough strength in that bond. I want someone to fight for me too, besides just making me happy.

I found myself happy kissing someone although way before I have been kissed. I allowed that for that is the only time I was delirious. I was happy being kissed, being spoiled but I was happier after I kissed someone.

Happy. That comes first, once Consented.