Happy Thoughts

I can't believe it. That I am back here again. Though it's a different kind of feeling of heartbreak.

Is there nothing that you'd want to say or do to change how I feel if it's wrong, what you said was not criticizing, not what you intended?
Is there anything that you will help me towards finding peace, guiding me, helping me?
I need it, I want you to help me
You're not staying with me through this?
Else, the only way I know is to just walk away and mend it myself the only way I know works or actually backfires on me
No one ever stayed
And in the end work is all there is
Something that is mine, that I worked on, everyday, putting my heart in it, there's ups and downs n that's all I know for now
That's the closest thing called relationship I could have
I am that pathetic. And impatient.

Nobody ever noticed me when I'm quiet. When I keep it to myself. When I was patient. No one ever take a step back and see how hard I cried. How bottled up my feelings are. That you need to shut up and just hold me.

Weird that when I'm crying this time, my heart doesn't hurt the way it did last time. No matter how hard I cried and screamed into the towel, it only hurts because I'm gasping for air. 

But yes, I am bottled up. I don't know how to make it any plainer to show my adoration and affection towards someone. I sucked at this. I so wished for someone to break the walls for me and just keep reaching out for me no matter how deep I went inside myself because I am that terrified of the pain. 

That pain is my biggest fear, the condemnation to my trust. Something that I am just not brave enough to let go of my past because even if it hurts and pathetic, lonely and impatient ... it's familiar. And that's about the only comforting thoughts I have to try to encourage myself to keep living, to keep pushing myself to be better. Ironic, but what the hell?

Why do you only see me in my dark days, why do you criticized the hardest? Did you not notice me when I was fighting, when I was normal, when I was happy, when I was present?

Wow. I can't bring anything to the table.