Cavalier

I'd better write this all down while I can remember it all strongly and later forget about it just as quickly as it has all started.

He's the perfect ray of sunshine.

He arrived in September 2012. We get to know each other in April 2014. He's leaving on the 1st of May.

I cursed and my heart had a hairline crack, sort of felt betrayed when he said he won't be around much longer.

If I had known him way earlier, I wouldn't have such a rotten 2013, methinks. He's all the party-going, the rave, the fun, the great make out keeper. Such an ideal.

But alas, who would have ever known how it would have been? It's always the better circumstances that it is short and sweet like this.

"Why do you burped so much?"

He was all smiles despite me being the princess, the posh, the gullible.

Never trust a guy who says he likes Japanese food when all he can named is sushi. When he doesn't like unagi (and will returned it if I ever ordered it), ate the tofu for my sake and not-so fancying the salmon belly sashimi.

Scored it perfectly for my choice of the burgers, the coffee, the sinful fried doughnut and those darned 2.29 apiece Granny Smith apples for him. I just love to spoiled, to indulged. And being allowed to be all corny, all cheesy and all soapy cause we're not going to meet each other anymore after this.

The pretty little white house, the messy room and the beautiful antique wooden wardrobe. Of Wai Wai instant noodle and James Vincent McMorrow. And that fucking highway that will destroy the little white house should the neighbourhood lost the battle.

This is perfect. As much as I am bawling inside.

Happy Thoughts

I can't believe it. That I am back here again. Though it's a different kind of feeling of heartbreak.

Is there nothing that you'd want to say or do to change how I feel if it's wrong, what you said was not criticizing, not what you intended?
Is there anything that you will help me towards finding peace, guiding me, helping me?
I need it, I want you to help me
You're not staying with me through this?
Else, the only way I know is to just walk away and mend it myself the only way I know works or actually backfires on me
No one ever stayed
And in the end work is all there is
Something that is mine, that I worked on, everyday, putting my heart in it, there's ups and downs n that's all I know for now
That's the closest thing called relationship I could have
I am that pathetic. And impatient.

Nobody ever noticed me when I'm quiet. When I keep it to myself. When I was patient. No one ever take a step back and see how hard I cried. How bottled up my feelings are. That you need to shut up and just hold me.

Weird that when I'm crying this time, my heart doesn't hurt the way it did last time. No matter how hard I cried and screamed into the towel, it only hurts because I'm gasping for air. 

But yes, I am bottled up. I don't know how to make it any plainer to show my adoration and affection towards someone. I sucked at this. I so wished for someone to break the walls for me and just keep reaching out for me no matter how deep I went inside myself because I am that terrified of the pain. 

That pain is my biggest fear, the condemnation to my trust. Something that I am just not brave enough to let go of my past because even if it hurts and pathetic, lonely and impatient ... it's familiar. And that's about the only comforting thoughts I have to try to encourage myself to keep living, to keep pushing myself to be better. Ironic, but what the hell?

Why do you only see me in my dark days, why do you criticized the hardest? Did you not notice me when I was fighting, when I was normal, when I was happy, when I was present?

Wow. I can't bring anything to the table.

The Sheltered Life

"Can we please change the subject? I had a long week!"
-- "Everyone had a long week."

I can't keep myself from continuously debating with him. Mum will not approved this as she feels that I should be docile with a man, keep my thoughts to myself and never be intimidating. Don't be forceful.

I am, one of the most impatient person when it hits me wrong. I can be that forceful. And I can talk back just as much. But at times, I have seen others worse than me, never want to back out from a point that I contradicted and because of that, I hardly wasted my time talking back. I let them talk all they want.

And boy was he a talker. He can talk all night. Until he fell asleep watching his favourite show. And then he wakes up the next morning not getting Explosions in the Sky, making fun endlessly of the college I graduated from and rolled his eyes when some people are not aware of some obvious facts that he faced every day.

These boys, they have facts. They have very decent paper qualifications. Very sociable, civil, delightful and pleasant in the eye. Extra pleasant, if you must. Please don't see yourself in their future.

Yet, I am so drawn to them. And I like talking to them. I like to hear and know those facts. I like to know it from their own point of view, although I may have already read it somewhere or watched it from a tv documentary. I like to hear their stories, their experiences. And I let them pay for everything.

And boy, can he talk all night. He really likes listening to his own voice. And the only times he likes listening to yours is when you moan and scream. You're only in their present.