A few weeks down the road, you're like, poking around. Annoying him. On other days, whatever you're doing now is considered thoughtful but not after the birthday celebrations. You're annoying. And he starts to get mean with you. Whether he means it or not, it gets the better of him. You're not enough.
Oh, it hurts.
But this is not my fault. I started to open up. I don't allow happiness, but it gets the better of me. Just unfortunate that these happiness are only the tip of an ugly sadness. How it will always catches up on me.
Funny how I can see the same episode played twice by two different men. I seemed to get this now and then. I see the patterns. I couldn't help seeing the vivid similarity. So glaring, so clear it's like I'm watching re-runs.
But this is not my fault.
Arissa menangis semahunya. Seluruh jiwanya rapuh. Hatinya meruntun inginkan kebahagiaan dan dia tidak mampu mengecapinya sendirian. Walau dicuba sedaya upaya, bagai ada satu kuasa yang mencemburuinya dan dengan sekali hembus, Arissa kembali jatuh dari hampir mencapai kebahagiaan. Arissa cuma dibenarkan bergembira tetapi untuk memiliki sesuatu yang mahu memilikinya kembali, hajatnya tidak tercapai.
Dia tidak sangka segala usahanya sia-sia dan masih ada yang meraguinya. Dia cuma mahu terus mara dan meninggalkan semua yang pahit, tidak mahu diingati walau untuk sesaat. Tetapi semua kenangan yang menyakitkan itu masih mahu bersamanya dan menambahkan lagi perasaan berat dalam dirinya. Terasa bagai dia tidak dapat menyelamatkan dirinya sendiri dan lebih mudah lagi untuk terus berhenti hidup kerana harapannya tidak mungkin dapat direalisasikan.
I could not make it last even half a year ... what more a lifetime.
But this is not my fault.
My fault is that I am still here, down in this pit. Sadly, or funnily, I am actually comfortable being down here. No one can get a piece of me, to break, to shatter, to rip.
Nuclear, and I knew it.
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