Self-hatred

I was butt-ugly. Worse than an ugly duckling. What with the dark skin, small nose, the protruding forehead when I pulled my hair back, half-orb coming out of my eye sockets, too round cheeks, the jutting lower lip, and worst -- the teeth.
I had it last time, holding a pencil between my upper teeth and beneath the lower lip while I guffawed. It was a habit that later made me "jongang" -- couldn't find the English word for it. I remember the disdain from the dentist after examining my profile sideways. I remember a lot of things the kids said to me, right when I was a kid and until now. They were merciless taunts and comments at times, or most of the times.

I guess I am still ugly but I learn to control it. I learn to use make up, I learn to take care of my skin, I learn to smile that minimizes the jongang effect, I learn, I learn, I learn. But nothing could erase the ugly past. Especially when people keep tagging me on Facebook with the worst images of me.

I hate it when people tagged me on Facebook when I am at most unflattering -- when I had some sleazy hairstyle, them teeth that affect my smiles, or laughs, the oily dark skin. Once I lashed out a thousand miles away to a guy who posted an unflattering image of me on his Instagram. He thinks it's love ... guess he is blind after all.

Weird that when I was ugly then, I had me some gorgeous boyfriends. Tall, fair skin, sharp nose, deep set eyes, defined jawline and perfect teeth. What did they see it in me then?
I guess I am now just butt-uglier that it is a lost cause.
I am in awe when there are people who told me that I am pretty when I do believe that I have unflattering angles. These days I am like Mariah Carey, I will only be photographed from the left side of my face. The left side seems to have a more defined face shape while the right side showed an unflattering round cheeks that swallowed my eyes and nose.

I work hard to show the world that I am pretty -- with all that I've got, the make up, the lighting, the pose, the best angle, the long eyelashes that I naturally have, the threaded eyebrows and hair that when I had it long, most people suggested me to auditioned for Pantene ads.
So when someone posted or tagged a photo of me at what I deemed my ugliest, it's all God's wrath sort of thing. Don't. I hate you. Even I don't do it to myself, why would I let others? Painstakingly I combed through every detail before I post a picture of me, of what I deemed the most pleasant that at least the virtual community could endure. The operative word is 'painstaking' -- which means it's a lot of work so better understand where I'm coming from if I don't want it on my timeline after you tagged me.

Then again, when I look back at the approved selfies posted or used as the avi for various social sites, I hated it. Yeah, I was balking, "What the hell was I thinking? Euch! Yuck!"
These days I am depressed about putting on weight. I hate it that I am reaching a man's weight. I hate that my pants are feeling much more tighter. A real fuck you feeling not in a good way, ever.

I don't know. It's a pure self-hatred day today.