Fear

Can't help it that I would start with an entry on ... men.

This afternoon I went to KLCC with mum -- it's Mother's Day. She has a new cell and we went to Celcom to get her a micro SIM card and have lunch at Ben's. It's been a long time since mum last went to KLCC so it was an outing of showing her around what has changed and expanded.

When we drove back home, I recalled the time I broke up with Adi more than a year ago. Me more than a year ago was in a frantic trance, helpless and clueless. I went out of control and berserk that I was crying non-stop and drove around KL aimlessly. I drove into KLCC carpark, turned here and there and went out -- still being charged on my TouchNGo.

That was a crazy time indeed and I deemed it as one of the scariest shit holes I never want to returned to.

I am scared of pain, especially something that I find unnecessary yet am consumed by it. I noticed how things have changed between me and Adi, how they are the signs that glaringly says, 'leave'. As usual, the story is this girl yours truly, naive and foolish to believe that Adi will come around. But it was too crazy to keep handling it to the point I decided that I could not let myself be unhappy like this. Eventually I made the call because Adi never came around.

We parted ways. Aftermath: tidal waves, tsunamis, earthquakes, the works. It's enough to make me lose faith in relationships.

Getting over was crazy. I don't want to repeat the same episodes I had after the break up of my first serious relationship. But somehow I can't help noticing how the following events that happened after the break up with Adi are so similar -- depression was overwhelming, lost friends, trouble at work.

And somehow, God put this particular guy, Hadri, into my life. I first knew him after my first serious relationship break up, and again after Adi, he reappeared. And like I mentioned, the same event repeated.

Hadri was supposed to be the fun guy. Impromptu, spontaneous, one-night-only kind of thing. That's all there is about him. However, there's this bothersome feeling that I like him too much, more than I'm supposed to.

Dealing with this bothersome feeling, I have to make the call. As much as I'm scared about relationships, I will give a shot with Hadri -- if the feeling's mutual -- and take whatever that comes our way. If it's not mutual, I'll walk free.

As it turned out, it's not mutual. I walked free.