Post-it(s)

Fun like the fling. Smart like the psycho. Career-wise like the mummy's boy. Handsome like the first ex.

Still on men, yup.

I'm wondering why the hell I still miss these assholes.

Fun like the fling. I missed all the first times. I missed how he propped my legs on his lap when I sat beside him while he plays the Prince of Persia on his friend's Xbox (I think). I think he was trying to impressed me when he told me his little secret that he actually couldn't helped himself to boast about -- that I don't care if it's bad, with me he was a gentleman. I missed how he knew I will only ordered Nescafe. I missed that devilish grin. I missed how he goes nuts when he has to keep his hands off me. I missed those times we exchanged e-mails, exchanged sarcasms. I missed when he calls me, 'love', although it never means anything to him. I missed seeing him happy with the simplest thing that is most precious to him -- his friends. There's a lot of things that I adored and missed about him but alas, he's just a real life John James Preston.

Smart like the psycho. One of my weaknesses is intelligence. He knows a lot about the current affairs, politics, culture, music (pfft, boys), environment, food, art, books, movies, animals, et cetera. He opened my mind to a lot of things. He was very, very interesting to me that I am happy to just make acquaintance with him. He was nice and friendly. And then he started to flirt. And then he asked for my number. And then we went out and after a long, long time, that first time holding hands' moment was ... wow. And then he turned bossy, becomes the biggest bully, goes beyond the grumpy guy to bipolar and eventually, a pyscho. Weird. I missed this crazy guy once in a while, out of fondness when he was none of what he then turned out to be.

Career-wise like the mummy's boy. In my girlfriend's words, "Isn't there a doctor in this family of his that will then make the whole picture perfect?" In the long run, he will prospered and becomes ever more successful, hired as an associate by one of the Fortune 500 (is it still relevant in 2013?) after he graduated. He was the potential life partner, a Kennedy of sort but I guess I was just too blonde for his perfect life.

Handsome like the first ex. Girls craned and turned their necks whenever he passed by. He has perfect teeth, deep set eyes, tall and stylish. This one I don't miss. I already put the last nail to the coffin.

Fear

Can't help it that I would start with an entry on ... men.

This afternoon I went to KLCC with mum -- it's Mother's Day. She has a new cell and we went to Celcom to get her a micro SIM card and have lunch at Ben's. It's been a long time since mum last went to KLCC so it was an outing of showing her around what has changed and expanded.

When we drove back home, I recalled the time I broke up with Adi more than a year ago. Me more than a year ago was in a frantic trance, helpless and clueless. I went out of control and berserk that I was crying non-stop and drove around KL aimlessly. I drove into KLCC carpark, turned here and there and went out -- still being charged on my TouchNGo.

That was a crazy time indeed and I deemed it as one of the scariest shit holes I never want to returned to.

I am scared of pain, especially something that I find unnecessary yet am consumed by it. I noticed how things have changed between me and Adi, how they are the signs that glaringly says, 'leave'. As usual, the story is this girl yours truly, naive and foolish to believe that Adi will come around. But it was too crazy to keep handling it to the point I decided that I could not let myself be unhappy like this. Eventually I made the call because Adi never came around.

We parted ways. Aftermath: tidal waves, tsunamis, earthquakes, the works. It's enough to make me lose faith in relationships.

Getting over was crazy. I don't want to repeat the same episodes I had after the break up of my first serious relationship. But somehow I can't help noticing how the following events that happened after the break up with Adi are so similar -- depression was overwhelming, lost friends, trouble at work.

And somehow, God put this particular guy, Hadri, into my life. I first knew him after my first serious relationship break up, and again after Adi, he reappeared. And like I mentioned, the same event repeated.

Hadri was supposed to be the fun guy. Impromptu, spontaneous, one-night-only kind of thing. That's all there is about him. However, there's this bothersome feeling that I like him too much, more than I'm supposed to.

Dealing with this bothersome feeling, I have to make the call. As much as I'm scared about relationships, I will give a shot with Hadri -- if the feeling's mutual -- and take whatever that comes our way. If it's not mutual, I'll walk free.

As it turned out, it's not mutual. I walked free.